I Can Swear I’m Here

I Can Swear I’m Here



I switched up my notebooks and went back to my Midori. And I have Post-It notes! Lots of crazy things in here. I always go nuts in my Midori. More writing to come.




Nippon Kodo + a Good Reading Challenge & More!

Nippon Kodo + a Good Reading Challenge & More!

Screen Shot 2016-07-13 at 8.11.35 AM

I found this fluorite wand on Sacred Rock Stars on Etsy. Immediate purchase. I’ve never seen anything like it! It’s absolutely beautiful.

I’m usually not a user of incense nowadays which is strange for a witch, but we are moving to the mountains, and it will be wonderful to sit outside with incense burning as I read or study. I decided to look up my favorite incense brand to find them still up and running!

Nippon Kodo is by far the best purveyors of incenses. Back when I burned incense often, I used their Morning Star brand. It has no bamboo and such. Very wonderful stuff, and so inexpensive!

Screen Shot 2016-07-12 at 8.45.39 AM

So I bought a beautiful incense burner…

…and here’s the incense I purchased: Vanilla, Lavender, and Green Tea. 50 sticks per box under $3/a box. The thing about this incense the holders are special, mean to held stick-less incense like Morning Star. I’ll explain more once my package arrives :3



I decided to print off this reading challenge created by PopSugar. It’s 2016’s reading challenge, and even if you don’t plan on doing a challenge this year, it does give you an idea of books that are outside of your comfort zone perhaps or just giving you a general idea of what book to read next if you’re stuck.


Allegiant has arrived on Blu-ray. I went ahead and got the special edition, because I’m that total geek who watches the special features ;3


The Anatomy of… [Self-Harm]

The Anatomy of… [Self-Harm]

I almost died once. I think everyone has.

But one time, I almost died, because I isolated myself enough. Because I lost touch enough.  I wasn’t going to physically die. I was afraid of catatonia. I was afraid of permanently losing touch, unable to speak or do things on my own. It could happen, right?

Continue reading “The Anatomy of… [Self-Harm]”

What I Can’t Afford

What I Can’t Afford

Sometimes you wake up in the morning feeling empty and depressed as hell out of nowhere. Then suddenly it hits you. Depression has been there all along. Maybe for longer than you initially think when you wake up. But it has been ignored, because sometimes you can’t afford to spend time being depressed.

First, the important question: why are you depressed? Anxious? You aren’t under any significant amount of stress. You haven’t really lost contact with your friends, but as the cosumption progresses, you do. Things that make you happy lose all meaning. You cannot breathe without holding yourself as if you’re attepting to keep your insides in, wanting to make a noise of pain deep from your throat. You squeeze your eyes closed, wishing the tears would finally come out.

You have started to lose contact with hobbies you used to love. You quit talking with friends past “small talk”, if at all. You “check out” on the couch with a movie playing, only you’re staring at the wall until the credits are rolling. It’s not strange. It has happened before. I physically hit my body, as if it’s going to will the emotions out of me. You know once you cry, you’ll feel better. Once you make that noise deep in your throat, it will be okay. You need to let it out or you will suffer. That’s one logical way of looking at it.

I don’t have a therapist, but I’m getting one. I have a psychiatrist though who wants me to get a therapist. He says it will help me “open up”. Fuck. I can’t even open up to myself much less another person. How is this going to work?

I have Bipolar Disorder. When you have Bipolar and are depressed, there’s little you can do for folks like me. I have terrible reactions to TCAs and SSRIs (they cause manias/hypomanias/mixed states for me). My psychiatrist tries to use antipsychotics in the place of anti-depressants, which actually works sometimes. Frankly, he’s a genius. He has me on a collection of medication with nasty side effects which sucks, but he is smart. I trust him with my life. He recently added buspirone, generic for BuSpar/Buspar. I just call it buspar. It’s simpler.

The buspar was supposed to help my anxiety short-term and depression long-term. It has been three weeks, and I still have panic attacks almost daily, and I still want to die. The highest dosage worth working is 60mg. I’m at 40mg. I’m going full throttle, balls to the wall, all the way to 60mg before I just give up, and it becomes time to try a different kind of hell.

I’m doing what I have to do. I will suffer, but I will pray for relief, and relief always comes into my life some way. I may want to die, but I don’t think I could ever hurt myself to that point…

…But fuck, I hit my own head so hard I feel like I jarred my brain. I couldn’t stand the feeling of being all bottled up. I want to explode. I want to let it out. I want to write this then fall apart completely, because it means I can piece myself together again. I know how to do that, because I’ve done it so many times.

But right now, I can’t cry. I just hold myself and breathe in and out strangely.