16 Shots. One Minute and Ten Seconds.

It is a shame to have our public servants do so little for us, much less murder us in cold blood. It may not be all of the police, but the ones who are good to people should be angry that these individuals are abusing their power, and they should speak out against them. So far, not a whisper.

Recently in Sacramento, an individual named Joseph Mann, who had a mental illness, was shot 16 times at a distance by a police officer. His family was hoping the police would be able to detain him and take him to the hospital for psychiatric treatment. Mann had a knife and was acting erratically, however could have easily been detained by the amount of officers on scene. Instead, 16 shots rang out, and Mann is another person with mental illness who is dead.

16 shots to kill a man. 16 shots to kill a woman. It could be any of us who have mental illness.

In 2014, Mark Wisley spoke the words, “We called for help, and they killed my son.” In Brunswick, North Carolina, a teenager named Keith Vidal, who struggled with Schizophrenia, died at the hands of a police officer. It was quoted that the officer said, “We don’t have time for this. Tase that kid now. Let’s get him out of here,” even though the first responders had Vidal calmed down. All he had as a weapon was a small eyeglass screwdriver. Instead of being transported to the hospital like the first responders were prepared to do, he was shot and killed in his home in front of his family with no remorse from the last responder, an officer only there for one minute and 10 seconds.

“We don’t have time for this.” I take this personally. You don’t have time for ME, right? You don’t have time for US?

According to the Virginia-Pilot, Virginia, my home and current home state, is officially the frontrunner in police-on-mentally-ill violence. Also, as of this year, the Washington Post states a quarter of fatal police shootings are against the mentally ill.

16 shots at a distance in front of family. Sacramento. Joseph.

We don’t have time for this. Keith. 1 minute and 10 seconds.

I am still not taking that disturbing light away from racial deaths at the hands of the police. Mental illness chooses no race in particular and owes no one mercy. Joseph Mann was African American man and Keith Vidal was Caucasian teenager. I can list more incidences like Mann and like Vidal and so many different races, genders, and sexualities. I’ll correct myself…mental illness chooses anyone, and it can get us killed.


My Life With Narcissists

My Life With Narcissists

I have had narcissists in my life. They are the seemingly kind at first, total social butterflies, mentally and/or physically  attractive, but deep down, they are dangerous people you shouldn’t trust, period.

The bad part about narcissist individuals: you don’t know a narcissist until after you’re sucked into the orbit of their existence, and it make take years to notice this. What you notice about them: they seem very popular and have lots of friends, because their ego depends on it. They may feel shitty about their life, and need to have that ego stroked, or they are so insecure they need to constant attention.

The first thing I feel they do to us? They lie, and they lie about a lot of things, most of the time lying to gain sympathy. They will lie about anything. Of course, you believe the lies, because they’re good at faking it. They will lie about anything to gain attention, boosting their ego even more. And trust me, you WILL feel sorry for them.

Next, they crave attention from others and will manipulate them to keep them around.They may use physical gifts to reel you in, making you feel special. They make you feel important in so many little ways. Unfortunately, that doesn’t last. They surprisingly lack empathy. You’d think being social and having so many friends that the narcissist will come to understand the feelings of others, and that you should not manipulate those feelings. No. It doesn’t happen. Also, they may constantly “one up” people, making their problems seem worse than other’s, because they lack the ability to relate with others without making themselves seem better or worse than everyone else.

You absolutely CANNOT offer healthy criticism about things to a narcissists. They will blow it out of proportion 80% of the time. 20% of the time they’re busy making you feel guilty for your feelings.

Then there’s the entitlement, that they are owed the best of everything. They are owed your friendship. They are owed your undivided attention.  You owe them everything. Also, there is envy involved in all of this, even as far as being envious of someone with a negative thing going on in their life. Despite having a low self-esteem, people may still show envious behavior. It may or may not affect you. If it does, bless you, because it’s a nasty experience.

“Smear campaigns” are also an issue, because the narcissists don’t take kindly to people who “hurt” them (this can be as simple as disagreeing with them on small topics). Smear campaigns are used to indirectly hurt a specific person because of a small disagreement or clashing issue. They can manifest in many ways, like talking about you behind your back. Another common term is “gaslighting”, where a person is manipulated by a narcissist into believing and not believing certain things, thus lowering the person’s self-esteem or making the person question their sanity in some case.

Dealing with a narcissist is difficult, because they make it hard to leave! They’re so charismatic, you often may feel sorry for them. It’s a toss up of reasons why you should really leave. However, you don’t want to give up on a friendship, because “that person was nice to me a lot/there for me a lot”, but trust me, you’ll eventually know if you’re a victim of seriously abusive behavior. You do not deserve what they are doing to you, and please run, do not walk, away.


Cancer Awareness & Stagnant Supporters

Cancer Awareness & Stagnant Supporters

Author’s Note: Written two years ago. Still relevant.

I’m sure people will think I’m a total dick after writing this. My father had cancer and has now been cancer free for many years. The impacts of cancer can be devastating whether your loved one survives or succumbs to the disease. Cancer awareness as a term seems to be flippantly thrown around.

Now we’re seeing guys with their penises in socks and the no make-up selfies for “cancer awareness”. To make people aware of cancer. But I am sitting here wondering if we really aren’t aware already. If anything, cancer awareness has become this monstrous force within the past decade. You hear more about cancer organizations and cancer as an illness, more than you do other debilitating, maybe even chronic, and deadly illnesses that need to addressed.

One debunked theory behind what I deem the cancer awareness machine is prevalence. Since these other illnesses are less prevalent than cancer, perhaps they get less attention. However if you want to talk stats, mental illness as a whole swallows cancer’s prevalence, not to mention the prevalence of heart disease and diabetes. But there’s that nasty stigma issue, so of course addressing the issue of mental illness is harder than addressing cancer socially I suppose.

But what irks me is there’s always a nearby hospital bed just waiting for a cancer patient. Some of us mentally ill folks are being housed in jails when there’s not enough beds at the surrounding area’s (I’m talking about a hundreds of miles radius) psychiatric facilities. When it comes to the issue of cancer, prevalence doesn’t matter. It’s more about stigmatization of other illnesses, money, and the bandwagon affect. Many people support cancer whether they donate money to the cause itself or change their Facebook profile pic to a ribbon.

In the case of these make-up-less selfies and dicks in a sock, congrats guys! Cancer is in the news again! Did your dick in a sock make any difference though? In fact, what the hell is cancer awareness anyway? What are we supposed to be aware of? Its existence? Ways to prevent cancer? Common symptoms of cancers? Check, check, and check. Honestly, I’m tired of that kind of publicity. Let’s hear more about the actual research, how they learned to explode cancer cells within the past week, the new possible pancreatic cancer cure.

Help people pay for treatment, help by donating to research but not blindly. Do it selflessly. Do it because you support it and not because it’s something everyone else does. Do it with purpose. Don’t do it half-assed, because people with cancer deserve better than a picture of your bare face and a hashtag on the internet. I’m tired of seeing those make-up-less faces and sock-covered dicks and ribbon profile pictures and bumper stickers. Everyone knows cancer exists and is a devastating illness. Everyone’s aware. That’s out of the way now. What is everyone going to do next?

The Perks of Flying on Xanax.

The Perks of Flying on Xanax.

Boarding the plane, there were few snags. For one, taking my laptop out prior to entering the plane is a “no no”. I have to legit have two carry ons, that is it. I even had to put Detective Pusheen away. That’s the end…concerning that. What was written in my journal, maybe some taken, some added.

The plane has taken off, and it really smells in here. I don’t know. maybe it’s just the plane. Oh shit, the lady next to me pulled out take out. There’s lettuce, and omg the smell is so gross, and that’s where the smell was coming from. Cute guy across the aisle but way too hipster. Pass. I used to never be afraid of flying, but they can’t keep the plane at a steady altitude, so the feeling that my stomach has been detached from my body goes away, thx? OMG how can u eat that right now? Holy shit. The whole cabin smells like lettuce + whatever other nastiness this lady is eating. I kind of want to go home. Totally forgot there was a word for salad. I was just calling it “lettuce and shit”. New reality show: Empaths on a Plane. I can tell she doesn’t want to sit with me. Fuck her pompous ass.

IT HAS ONLY BEEN A HALF HOUR…LOL. I think paranoia has kicked in. I want hipster dude across the aisle to stop staring god fucking dammit. FUCKING LETTUCE STILL SMELLS. NO, I DON’T WANT WATER.  Fuck, I want out of here, get the parachute (jk I don’t know how to use one). OMG just got “misted” with an opened can of soda. WTF LOL BEST FLIGHT EVER.



At night sleep evades
me, and I honestly
ceased caring.
The night is beautiful,
so easily reachable,
its inky, warm cloud
drawing you in closely
wrapping you up
like a shadowy blanket
with holes punched in it,
creating shimmering stars
just for you.
I can live longer,
love longer
write endlessly,
recreate myself,
because anything
is possible. I can make
as many mistakes
as I do, because tomorrow,
every tomorrow,
and every night
I have time,
all the time
in the world,
to make it all
up to you.